Bullying is something we often associate with young people, playground antics, spiteful unkind behaviour out grown as we mature but this is only one aspect of bullying. Bullying occurs in the work place, in relationships, in families and with the elderly. No one is exempt and if you have been bullied recognise you have the potential to bully too. We model, we copy, we learn.

It is a fact that bullies are just cowards in disguise.

So learn how to see through them by understanding why they see themselves as superior, able to unnerve you and make your life an unbearable misery, preventing you moving forward.

To be a bully you have to have been bullied, otherwise how would you know how to do it? When your whole life is consumed with navigating around anger, violence and control, it is not easy to keep on track of your own feelings because it is too painful, so we bury them deep inside by inflicting what is inflicted on us onto others we see as weak, masking our pain temporarily with fake confidence. Understanding this is about changing the way you look at things, so the things you look at change.

How can you be afraid of someone who is also afraid?

The secret to learning to stand up for yourself when the bulling behavior is on a one to one basis is all about the answer to that question. When you are being bullied by a group of people, you must identify the leader because with every flock of sheep, there has to be shepherd with a collie, to keep them all together, in human life, a thug with a pit bull. Once identified, you know what you are dealing with, someone who without others around is capable of being as afraid as you are.

If you are being bullied to death in cyber space/facebook, don’t be driven to switch off your life, switch off your PC, calm down and stand back for a while. The internet is not always about reality because people can lie easily and others get sucked in easily, creating the perfect platform for cyber attacks and deceit. When we think having hundreds of cyber friends is what makes us popular, we have to beware because if we lose our internet connection or our electricity supply, we are going to feel pretty lonely and potentially become the victim of a real life bully.

Learn to socialize with real people and discover what things you like about them because in reality, this is how you make true friends for life, something we all need as we grow up. Being popular is not about what trainers you wear, what celebrity you like, how many followers you have on Twitter. It’s about being fun, kind, generous, happy and always there when others need your help, a bit like your Mum or Dad who break sleep to pick you up at 2am in the morning from a mate’s house, to make sure you get home safe. These are the people you can trust to help you when everything else fails.

If you are being bullied on the playground because you are different, remember bullies are sheep and you are unique, which in later years is a critical ingredient for success. Remember this time will pass, so stand still in a river and watch your enemies float by.

When you are alone, afraid and anxious, it’s like you are screaming but no can hear and this can make you feel depressed because you cannot see a way through on your own. Talking to yourself is not the behavior of a lunatic. It’s actually the secret to working out what you really feel, a bit like getting to know your alter ego, the little voice in your head, nagging you to fight back, if only you had the confidence.

Confidence comes from listening only to yourself, believing in yourself and educating yourself, never changing what you know to be real, into something to please others. If others laugh at you or gossip about you, take some good advice from Oscar Wilde who said confidently “It’s better to be talked about, than not to be talked about.”

Being married to a bully has the potential to become a very volatile dangerous situation because living in constant fear of abuse leaves you weak and vulnerable to a nervous breakdown or a life of misery and pills. Bulling is not acceptable and should not be tolerated or endured by any human being, especially if the bully is disguised as someone who says he loves you. It may take some time, a few attempts to escape and some support from friends, family and the professionals but you must learn to be strong and stand up for yourself. I know this is easier said than done when it’s you who is stuck and afraid but trust in your own inner strength and accept, whilst you are in it, you can never escape it.

Disrespecting and devaluing another human being and targeting impulsive destructive behavior by intimidation, is just not acceptable behaviour, so understanding why people bully, helps you learn how to stop it. Aggressive behavior, manifested by the use of force, causing the imbalance of power, directed repeatedly towards particular victims, is how a bully operates, so keeping strong and focused is the key to survival.

The final thing to always remember when you are letting someone else dictate how you feel, think and behave, you have given up on yourself and when you give up on yourself, someone else takes charge and your destiny to happiness is doomed. Being out of control of your life is the biggest mistake you can make because you will constantly be at the mercy of others, which leaves you a stranger to yourself, someone you don’t recognize anymore. Stand up for yourself and be heard loud and clear because you deserve to have the same rights and freedom as everyone else, no matter what anyone else may tell you. Remember bullies will always lie in order to get what they want. Learn to respond with a clear attitude of self-confidence demonstrating that the bully's attempt to dominate is never going to work because you are not going to let it, then the bullying attempts will often start to diminish or end all-together.

Photo by: Andre Hunter Unsplash